ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
