just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
