Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
