I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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