I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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