the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
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Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
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10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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