I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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