If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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