my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
not ubering you a puppy
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
