I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
