There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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