the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
