Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
