you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
