I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
