These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
