Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
