I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
