Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
