I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize