glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
