My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
