I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.