Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
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i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
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Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line