I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
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Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
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I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.