why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
