I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
These tits shall not be calmed
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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