Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
