im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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