I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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