just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
