who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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