i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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