woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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