I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
