i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
