Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
