i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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