benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize