Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
