I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
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First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
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I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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