Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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