Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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