lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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