Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
