i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
