There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
