I just found puke in my bra..
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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