Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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