No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
