i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
