We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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