remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
