mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
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i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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