i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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