Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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